We all talk to ourselves about our marriage… “internal conversations” that we keep to ourselves and don’t share with anyone. 

But did you know your internal voice could be harming your marriage because it guides and shapes your perception of your spouse and your relationship with them?

When this voice turns critical, it becomes what we call Negative Self-Talk, which isn’t good for you or your marriage.

Your internal voice, which nobody hears but you, is deeply rooted in your conscious and unconscious/subconscious assumptions and beliefs. 

Unless you control it, it will control you.

Here are some forms of negative self-talk you should watch for: 

Self-Limiting Talk

Self-limiting talk is a common type of negative self-talk.

It’s the kind of talk that sounds like this: “I can’t tell her how I feel,” or “This task is too hard to finish,” or ” I’m getting so fat!” or “I’m stuck in this lousy marriage!” 

Why are these kinds of thoughts such a problem? Because they create a self-fulfilling prophecy where we accept defeat by telling ourselves we can’t handle what we’re facing. 

Instead, when thoughts like these arise in your mind, try saying out loud, “I CAN tell her how I feel, and I WILL tell her now,” or “This project has the challenges I’ve been looking for, and I want to finish it!” or “I look great!” or “I’m going to work on my marriage to make things better.”

Jumping to Conclusions 

Have you ever noticed how, when you’re in an uncomfortable situation, you tend to make assumptions or jump to conclusions? 

We start making interpretations instead of focusing on the facts. 

It’s not just the big situations that can make us uncomfortable; it’s the little ones, too, like trying on an outfit that we tell ourselves makes us look fat or thinking people will laugh at us when we go to the gym because we’re not as fit as they are and don’t know much about the equipment, making fools of ourselves. 

We get caught up in our feelings and assume the worst instead of looking at the facts rationally. 

Next time you feel uncomfortable, acknowledge that you feel uncomfortable without making assumptions about what other people are thinking. Maybe the outfit didn’t fit as well as you hoped, or see the gym as a place with great equipment you can’t find anywhere else to help you reach your fitness goals faster so you CAN look good in that outfit!

Speech Habits

Sometimes, we talk to ourselves without thinking; it’s automatic or habitual. 

Try to become more aware of your speech habits to change the pattern. Instead of saying, “I’m so stupid, what’s wrong with me?!” acknowledge everyone makes mistakes, and you’ll do better next time. Or, if you tend to blow off compliments because you don’t want to appear conceited, smile and say, “Thank you.”

Practice catching yourself saying negative things and then say something positive instead. For example, when someone says you look great, say, “Thank you, I feel great, too!” or when you mess up, say, “Oops, I made a mistake.”

Decide today to end negative talk, especially regarding your spouse and marriage, because it disempowers you. And have something in mind to replace it with. 

Become more aware of when you engage in negative self-talk, and practice saying more positive things instead. 

Soon, you will break your negative self-talk habit, and you will start to see your life and marriage improve.