One of the most attractive traits in a potential romantic partner or spouse is self-confidence – someone who is self-assured.

A person with low self-esteem who is plagued by self-doubt and constantly second-guessing themselves is a turn-off because it floods the relationship with uncertainty and emotional “leaning.”

Before we define self-confidence, let me ask: How much do you trust your abilities, qualities, and judgment?

How strong is your faith in yourself?

Is your source of personal power and assurance internal or external? Are you self-assured, or do you seek reassurance?

Consider this definition of self-confidence:

“Self-confidence is an attitude about your skills and abilities. It means you accept and trust yourself and have a sense of control in your life. You know your strengths and weakness well and have a positive view of yourself. You set realistic expectations and goals, communicate assertively, and can handle criticism.”

Here’s the good news: Even if you lack self-confidence, you can learn, practice, and master self-confidence, and when you do, life will never be the same.

It’s a Habit!

Self-confidence is a learned habit. And here are seven ways to build self-confidence today for a better life and a healthier relationship with the one you love.

1. Decide to be Self-Confident

Who decides if you’re confident or insecure?

You do.

Self-confidence is, first and foremost, a decision and a habit.

You get to decide whether you’re enough or lacking.

You get to decide if you have, or will acquire, the skills, knowledge, abilities, and resourcefulness to take charge of your life! No one on this planet should ever define who and what you are.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to be confident.

And if anyone has ever said mean things to you like, “You’re not capable,” or “You’ll never amount to anything,” or “You don’t have what it takes,” or “You’re nothing without me,” etc., simply thank them for sharing and keep pressing forward with YOUR life.

You have the God-given right and privilege to live your life fearlessly with self-confidence and self-assurance.

How you live your life is YOUR decision.

Your choice determines your standard of living and life experience.

Maybe your self-confidence will be as wobbly and shaky as a ninth-month-old baby learning to walk, but guess what? You are walking!

Walking is walking.

And the more you practice your newly learned habit of self-confidence, the more solid you become.

None of these other ways to boost self-confidence matter unless you exercise your power of choice by deciding this very moment that you are a confident, self-assured person.

2. Live and Look the Part

Confident people live, think, act, behave, and look differently than insecure people, especially in how they dress and carry themselves.

So walk through your day head held high, chin up, shoulders back.

Live with a smile in your soul.

Choose to like who you are and LOVE who you’re becoming.

This isn’t faking it until you make it. No! It’s stepping into your new vision of a self-confident person because that’s who’ve you decided you are and are becoming.

Confidence breeds confidence.

Confidence isn’t situational. Nor is it based on what you have or don’t have. You already have everything you need to be confident: You have yourself, faith, and God.

If you feel like you need to acquire a possession or something happen to be confident because you’re not enough without that “thing,” then you’ll never be enough with it.  

3. Speak Self-Assured with Confidence & Authority

There’s something that sets world-class speakers apart from average speakers: When they speak, they speak with authority. They don’t hope their audience will listen; they intuitively expect they will.

Your life is yours.

So speak with authority and confidence.

We’re not talking about harsh arrogance. No. But calm, self-assured, confident speaking. Be assertive by stop using “ums” and “ahs” and other insecure words and language patterns.

Own who you are!

Don’t be ashamed of yourself. And don’t grovel for approval or validation, either. You’re not superior to anyone, but you’re sure not inferior either!

Eliminate nervousness from your speaking voice and patterns, and lose the constant “I’m sorry” phrases, too, while you’re at it.

4. Believe, Feel, and Act Positively

The Bible says we reap what we sow. The point? Positive, optimistic, happy energy reaps positive, optimistic, happy energy.

And the first place to start is by eliminating negative self-talk, which, by the way, is considered an essential skill for men and women taking Navy Seal pre-bud training. 

Control your mindset to set yourself up for success, whether on the battlefield, boardroom, or in the bedroom.

Negative self-talk destroys self-confidence and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You have the privilege of saying whatever you want to say about yourself to yourself, so why be harsh, unkind, or mean?

Look in the mirror today and keep looking at the person staring back until you’ve come up with a minimum of at three positive qualities about yourself and speak them out loud. And it wouldn’t hurt to say, “I love you” while you’re at it.

Stand in front of that mirror until you begin appreciating who you see looking back at you because you are worth appreciating! And realize that you are enough! Acknowledge and embrace your value.

And when you leave the mirror, find ways to smile and relax because there isn’t anything life throws at you that you cannot handle. You’ve got this.

Lastly, start associating with positive people who believe in themselves and support your hopes, goals, and dreams.

If anyone in your circle constantly cuts you down to size, it’s time to cut them out.

5. Take Inspired Action

Unless you take inspired action, none of the stuff we’re talking about matters.

Practicing the learned habit of self-confidence happens primarily on the “field of play,” not on the sidelines, and especially not in the stands.

Get out there! You need to learn things to unlock your best life that are impossible to learn unless you’re in the game (or in the lab if you’re more like Tesla than Tom Brady).

Inaction breeds insecurity and self-doubt. So get out there and start practicing self-confidence until it becomes second nature.

6. Do the Work!

Preparation breeds confidence.

Study what you have to study, do what you have to do, and learn what you have to learn.

Prepare.

Learn everything you can about the particular industry in which you are “playing.”

A lack of preparation breeds massive insecurity.

7. Bonus: Walk by Faith

There’s a remarkable passage from Hebrews 11: 1 that reads,  

“What is faith? It is the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it up ahead.” (Living Bible.)

I’m not sure where you stand on God and matters of faith, but if you’re a person of faith struggling with a lack of self-confidence, do this: Borrow God’s confidence. Appropriate His confidence to your life and situation and keep appropriating it until it becomes a part of who you are; make it part of your code and values. 

Summary:

No one is born confident.

But everyone can learn to be confident.

Your days of begging, groveling, and seeking validation and approval can be over today. It’s your choice and ONLY your choice.

Start practicing these seven tips to unlock your best life and marriage!