The reason why some marital problems are so difficult to resolve is because they are rooted in childhood experiences. They are the result of behaviors and thought patterns that were set in motion long before you met your husband or wife, and the only way to resolve these issues is to heal the underlying wounds. However, before we get to that, you need to understand exactly how your childhood may have shaped your perception of emotion, intimacy and communication in marriage.

Emotional Distance

People who grew up in homes where independence and achievements were highly encouraged and emotional expression discouraged often have a hard time expressing their feelings and needs. They are very good at restricting their feelings and avoiding emotional situations, which often results in emotional distance in their marriages.

Conflict Avoidance

People who grew up in homes where the parents were always stressed and worried become pleasers in an effort to prevent conflict. This is especially true for those who had seriously ill, disabled or unruly siblings. In marriage, they are afraid to be honest and are all too eager to give up their comfort to calm an angry or worried spouse. This makes it difficult for the couple to address problems in the marriage.

Idealistic Expectations

People who were raised in chaotic homes where the connection to their parents was sporadic are very sensitive to signs of rejection. They have idealistic expectations with regard to their partner’s emotional availability and do not like having to wait for their spouse’s time and attention. They can also be controlling in their attempts to build a consistent connection with their partners.

If these childhood experiences and wounds are ignored, they can wreck havoc in marriages and undermine any attempts to resolve marital problems. They need to be acknowledged and dealt with so that they can give room to healthier emotions and behavior. Keep in mind that the effects of childhood experiences on married life are not always easily recognizable; sometimes couple’s counseling is necessary so as to identify them.