Do you sometimes feel as if your spouse is not listening to you? Your style of communication in relationships could be working against you and your marriage.

Now is a good time to review how you talk to your partner and determine whether your tone and body language are right. Begin by listening to how you talk.

First of all, how do you express negative feelings such as disagreement or disappointment? An outburst is no good as it causes your spouse to hold back which might be more devastating for your marriage.

Listen to yourself to make sure that you are attacking the problem and not the person.  Saying personal things such as ‘you are very insensitive’ is incorrect. It’s much better to say ‘I feel unloved when this happens’. Also ensure that you are not speaking in general but pointing out the exact problem and why you feel that it is a problem.

Secondly, when communicating your negative feelings, do you at least acknowledge your partner’s feelings? For all you know, your spouse could be having similar feelings. Also you don’t want him or her becoming defensive because it can hamper your ability to solve the problem.

Thirdly, how do you express positive feelings including approval, appreciation, and affection? Many couples spend too much time on negative feelings and not nearly enough time on positive feelings. This is because right from childhood, many of us receive condemnation for wrongs and little appreciation for the rights. However, to achieve effective communication in relationships, you must learn how to express your positive feelings more frequently.

Tips to Improve communication in marriage

• When and where you choose to talk to your spouse can influence the outcome of your conversation. Therefore if you have a pressing issue to discuss, find a time and place where your partner can give you their undivided attention. Don’t attempt to have a serious conversion when your wife or husband is tired or preoccupied. This is likely to be a one-sided and unfulfilling conversation.
• Before you jump into a conversation with your partner on a sensitive topic, ask questions to clarify the issue at hand.  Listen to the answers your spouse gives without judgment and watch your spouse open up to communication in relationships