One of the most common reasons given for why one or both spouses were unfaithful and had an affair is that they had “fallen out of love.”

Sometimes the affair is emotional and not sexual. The other man or woman stirs long lost feelings that have been lying dormant within. The unfaithful spouse loves feeling desired, wanted and attractive again.

Here a few of the reasons that contribute to a spouse feeling that he or she has fallen out of love, and that can trigger infidelity:

1.  They want the fairytale romance that is often portrayed in movies and books.

This is an unrealistic ideal that is rooted in fantasy. And it makes life in the real world with one’s mate seem dull and boring.

To the cheating spouse, it’s making the choice to live life in color instead of boring black and white. So when the temptation for a thrilling encounter with a “mysterious” man or woman comes along, the spouses succumbs.

But if the adulterous relationship lasts, the day comes when it, too, loses its sizzle and becomes boring.

2.  Being bitter and holding a grudge will create a situation where the couple may feel they’ve fallen out of love. Intimacy and affection can’t flourish in such an acidic environment. If these feelings persist, growing apart is inevitable.

3.  Sometimes a couple will “fall out of love” because they believe this is what happened to their parents. They weren’t privileged to be guided by a model of what a healthy marriage looks like. Perhaps they saw separation or divorce triggered by an affair because mom and dad had “fallen out of love.”

4.  Little things once found cute and endearing are now repulsive and distancing.

For example, maybe before getting married, the boyfriend was fun and spontaneous but as a husband, his wife now sees him as immature and irresponsible. Or, before marriage, the girlfriend was cute and strong but now she’s possessive and controlling.

5.  A sense of low self-esteem or self-worth can be the problem.

A person who struggles with these issues can feel wounded when their spouse takes what they perceive to be less of an interest in them after getting married. Feelings of inadequacy and insecurity can drive them to look for someone who validate them, and put them on a pedestal making them feel valued.

6.  A dull relationship can lead to feelings of falling out of love.

An affair is exciting (temporarily) because there is gift-giving, long phone conversations, love notes, emails of sweet nothings, and cards. These types of extramarital affairs usually happen when intimacy and romance have faded because of the responsibilities of daily living. There  are work, bills to pay, kids to raise, careers, etc. Stress and routine leave certain people vulnerable to affairs and prone to infidelity.

But here’s what you can do to save your marriage (or yourself) from an affair:

First, take care of yourself. This involves giving attention to your entire being. You are a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual creature. Care for the life that God has given to you — don’t let yourself go, or slip into a state of frenzied survival where you merely exist.

Slow down and breathe. – savor life! There’s an old saying that goes, live, laugh, love. Make this your practice.

Second, care for your spouse. Act don’t react. You are the one who will now set the tone and environment for your relationship.

So love your spouse. Surprise them. Hold them. Support them. Let them know that you care. Engage them. Be bold. Risk. Love.

It’s within your power to do all of these things because at the end of the day love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a decision, too. Which means that falling out of love is a choice and not just an emotional state.

So, today, right now, realize that you are just one choice away from being mad about marriage.