6 Ways to Repair and Save a Marriage
6 Ways to Repair and Save a Marriage
Despite having been married for the last 12 years, Don and Brenda (not their real names) are on the verge of a divorce, despite wanting to save their marriage.
Although they’ve tried to save their marriage, their efforts often lead to arguments, which end in what most marriage counselors refer to as emotional disengagement.
After the argument they simply ignore one another for days.
Though they miss one another emotionally, and dearly want to save their marriage, but they have a hard time reaching out and communicating their feelings; they both wait for the other to take the first step to break the ice.
What Don and Brenda are experiencing is very common in marriages today.
They lack the skills required to repair the emotional damage caused by their marriage problems.
Additionally, they lack proper anger management skills. All couples fight. But if you want to have a happy marriage, you must be willing to repair the resulting emotional damage. Not only will this save the marriage, but it will enable you to completely recover from the mistakes you have made.
Marriage problems usually occur when one or both of the spouses is having a bad day, when they are extremely stressed, or have used poor judgment.
The challenge is for you to find a way not to disengage or stay angry at your partner.
This applies to both the offender and the offended. If you feel that you are the “offended,” then appreciate your partner’s attempt to resolve your marriage problems.
Here are a few tools to help you solve your problems and save your marriage.
Tool #1 – Apologize
A simple heart felt apology can save marriage especially if you have a hard time admitting that you are wrong.
Here is an example of an authentic apology: “I’m so sorry. What I did was foolish. And wrong. Please forgive me.” You don’t have to use the above words but make sure it is something along those lines.
Tool # 2 – Confide in your partner
Unfortunately, many married people today aren’t willing to be vulnerable with their spouses. They mask their feelings with anger.
If you want to have a better marriage, be honest with your partner; share your fears and insecurities with them. This is a great way to improve understanding, closeness and intimacy in your marriage.
When you are confiding in your partner, say things like; “I was really worried about our son – that’s why I got so angry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please forgive me.”
Tool #3 – Listen to your Partner
Listening to your partner is very important when you are trying to save a marriage. Just because you don’t agree with their point of view doesn’t mean that they are wrong.
Acknowledging their point of view shows them that you consider them an equal in the relationship. It also reveals that you are willing to see things from their point of view (empathy).
To save marriage, be an active listener and say things like: “I see what you mean, I guess I never looked at it that way”.
Tool #4 – Take Responsibility
When marriage problems occur, both spouses are usually to blame. How can you expect to have a better marriage if you can’t even accept responsibility for your role in helping to create the marriage problems?
Getting defensive won’t help your marriage. Be open and let your spouse know that you take responsibility for your mistakes.
Ideally you should say things like: “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. I understand why you reacted the way you did.”
Tool #5 – Find Common Ground
Nothing destroys a happy marriage faster than focusing on your differences. To save a marriage, you should choose to focus on what the two of you have in common.
For instance, if your parenting styles differ, focus on the fact that you both want healthy kids.
You could say: “I believe we have the same goals even though we don’t agree on the methods.”
Tool #6 – Improve
To save a marriage, quit repeating the same mistakes over and over again. If you say you are going to try harder, make an effort. Show your spouse that you are trying to change and he or she will appreciate it.
If you say: “I’ll make sure I call if I’m going to be late,” make sure you call. Don’t just make promises in order to quiet your spouse.
These six steps are a process for healing the hurts that you and your spouse carry deep within. And, if follow them and don’t give up, your relationship will be restored and you will save your marriage.
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