Want to be happier in your marriage? Then take this relationship tip to heart:

Don’t fight fair.

It sounds wrong, doesn’t it? After all, we’re taught that fairness is a virtue.

But in marriage, fighting fair often does more harm than good.

Here’s what fighting fair usually looks like:

If your spouse gives you the cold shoulder, you return the favor.
If they clam up, you clam up.
If they dredge up the past, you grab a shovel and start digging too.
If they hurt you… you hurt them back.

That may feel justified. It may even feel “balanced.”
But it’s also one of the fastest ways to weaken a relationship.

Researchers who study long-term marriage health have found that cycles of retaliation and defensiveness escalate conflict rather than resolve it. Matching negativity with negativity doesn’t restore closeness—it multiplies distance.

So here’s a different idea.

When your spouse hurts you, instead of hurting them back, forgive them.
When they raise their voice, respond softly.
When they’re unkind, choose kindness and care.

This isn’t weakness.
It’s leadership.

By refusing to “play fair,” you change the entire dynamic of the relationship. You interrupt the cycle. You create a new emotional environment by raising the standard of how conflict is handled.

Interestingly, studies on healthy marriages show that one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of repair behaviors—gentle responses, empathy, and kindness during tense moments.

In other words, the couples who thrive are often the ones where someone decides to go first.

The Bible has been teaching this principle long before modern research caught up. It’s called the Golden Rule:

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Not the way they’re treating you in the moment—but the way you want the relationship to be.

So here’s a simple challenge.

Take some time to reflect on your marriage.

If you’ve been hurt by your spouse, do something that warms their heart instead of hardening yours. Use loving language. Choose caring actions. Extend grace where retaliation would be easier.

And then—watch what happens.

Because sometimes the quickest way to change a marriage isn’t to win the fight…
…it’s to refuse to fight fair.