Do you sometimes feel the urge to set up “tests” for your husband or wife so as to measure his or her commitment to the marriage? Well, this is one of those things that seem like good ideas until you actually do them.

The thing about testing your significant other is that you are usually not prepared for the results – especially negative ones. This is a big mistake because according to an online poll by a dating website, there’s a 46 percent chance that your significant other will fail whatever test you have set up for him or her.

Why we Test our Partners

Testing is an indirect way of asking for what you need. The reason why it’s so tempting to test your partner instead of asking directly for what you need is because it keeps you from being vulnerable and protects you from rejection.

It’s easier to test your partner’s commitment to the relationship than it is to let them know that you’re having doubts. It’s also easier to rationalize your partner failing a test than it is to rationalize your partner saying “no” to your request.

Ask, Don’t Test

Whatever information you hope to obtain by testing your spouse can usually be obtained by simply asking. So the next time you feel the urge to test your spouse, stop and ask yourself, “What do I want to know?”

Next, ask yourself “how am I feeling?” Those feelings are what you need to share with your spouse instead of testing him or her. It’s the best way to let your spouse know how you are having doubts about his love or commitment without accusing him or her of anything.

It’s okay to have moments of insecurity when you need reassurance from your significant others. However, the way you go about getting that reassurance can make or break a happy marriage. Being honest and direct tends to be better for your marriage in the long run.