Repair and Save a Marriage

Despite having been married for the last 12 years, Rudy and Marjorie are on the verge of a divorce.

They’ve tried to save their marriage but often find themselves having arguments that end in what most marriage counselors refer to as emotional disengagement.

This means that after the argument they simply ignore one another for days. Though they miss one another emotionally, they have a hard time reaching out and communicating their feelings. They both wait for the other to take the first step to break the ice.

What Rudy and Marjorie are experiencing is very common in marriages today. They lack the skills required to repair the emotional damage caused by their marriage problems.

In addition to this, they also lack proper anger management skills.

All couples fight; however, if you want to have a happy marriage you must be willing to repair the resulting emotional damage. Not only will this save the marriage, but it will enable you to completely recover from the mistakes you’ve made.

Marriage problems usually occur when both or one of the spouses is having a bad day, when they are under a lot of stress or even as the result of poor judgment(s).

The challenge is for you to find a way to not disengage or stay angry at your partner.  This applies to both the offender and the offended. If you feel that you are the “offended” then appreciate your partner’s attempt to resolve your marriage problems.

Here are a few tools to help you solve these kinds of marriage problems.

Tool #1 – Apologize
A simple heart-felt apology can save a marriage, especially if you have a hard time admitting that you are wrong. A sincere apology sounds something like this; “I’m sorry, what I did was wrong and stupid. Please forgive me.” You don’t have to use the above words but make sure it is something along those lines.

Tool # 2 – Confide in your Partner
Unfortunately, many married people today aren’t willing to be vulnerable with their spouses. They mask their feelings with anger. If you want to have a better marriage then be honest with your partner; share your fears and insecurities with them. This is a great way to improve understanding, closeness, and intimacy in your marriage.

When you are confiding in your partner say things like; “I was really worried about our son, that’s why I got so angry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please forgive me.”

Tool #3 – Listen to your Partner
Listening to your partner is very important when you are trying to save a marriage. Just because you don’t agree with their point of view doesn’t mean they’re wrong. Acknowledging their point of view shows that you consider them to be an equal partner in the relationship. It also shows that you are willing to see things from their point of view (empathy).

To save your marriage, be an active listener and say things like: “I see what you mean, I guess I never looked at it that way.”

Tool #4 – Take Responsibility
When marriage problems occur, both spouses are usually to blame. How can you expect to have a better marriage if you’re unwilling to accept responsibility for your role in the matter? Getting defensive won’t help your marriage. Be open and let your spouse know that you take responsibility for your mistakes.

Ideally you should say things like: “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. I understand why you reacted the way you did.”

Tool #5 – Find Common Ground
Nothing destroys a happy marriage faster than focusing on your differences. To save a marriage you should choose to focus on what the two of you have in common. For instance if your parenting styles differ, focus on the fact that you both want healthy kids.

You could say: “I believe we have the same goals in mind even though we don’t always agree on the methods.”

Tool #6 – Improve
To save a marriage, quit repeating the same mistakes over and over again. If you say you are going to try harder, then make an effort. Show your spouse that you are trying to change — they will appreciate it.

If you say: “I’ll make sure to call if I’m going to be late”, make sure you call. Don’t just make promises to quiet your spouse. Follow through on what you say you’ll do.

Although these six tools won’t cure every marital ailment that might plague your relationship, they will improve most marriages. So choose one and start using it today!