How content are you with your marriage?

It’s an important question, because plenty of couples who would never describe their marriage as “bad” would still admit they aren’t particularly happy with it.

Maybe nothing dramatic has happened. There hasn’t been an affair or some major crisis. But somewhere along the way, the relationship became harder. The friendship isn’t what it used to be. The affection has faded. And instead of enjoying marriage, you find yourselves managing it.

There are many reasons couples become dissatisfied with their relationships. Here are a few common ones I’ve heard:

• One spouse is swamped with household responsibilities and feels the other isn’t pulling their weight.
• One spouse is dealing with significant career stress and doesn’t feel supported.
• There is ongoing frustration about money, parenting, faith, extended family or where and how they live.
• One spouse feels neglected emotionally and longs for more love and affection.
• The other feels unappreciated, unnoticed or disrespected.
• Life has simply become so busy that the marriage keeps getting whatever time and energy are left over.

Whatever the reason, marital discontent and dissatisfaction shouldn’t be ignored or taken lightly.

What Happens When You Ignore It?

When dissatisfaction goes unaddressed, spouses can gradually grow apart emotionally. Intimacy fades. Resentment builds. Sometimes an underlying hostility begins to settle into the relationship.

Some couples try to remedy the situation with physical intimacy, only to discover that sex doesn’t automatically repair an emotional disconnection. In some cases, it can make things even more complicated.

Others simply try to endure the situation.

They distract themselves with entertainment, work, hobbies, social media, alcohol or other relationships. They learn to live parallel lives and eventually stop expecting much from the marriage at all.

Feelings of isolation strengthen. Distance grows.

As depressing as this sounds, please take heart, my friend. You can turn things around. I’ve seen it happen many times.

Marital contentment can be restored. Lost romance can be found. And you can rebuild the friendship you so deeply miss.

Here are three places to begin.

1. Know When You Need Some Help

If your marriage has reached the point where resentment, hostility or emotional distance has become deeply rooted, please consider finding a capable marriage counselor.

There is no prize for waiting until your marriage is barely hanging on before asking for help. Sometimes having a skilled third person help you identify unhealthy patterns and communicate differently can make an enormous difference.

2. Talk About What Isn’t Working

Sit down together and each make a list of the challenges you feel you’re facing in the marriage.

But here’s the important part: don’t turn your list into a list of complaints about your spouse. Criticism usually triggers defensiveness, and once both of you are defending yourselves, very little gets accomplished.

Instead, talk about what you’re experiencing.

What feels difficult right now? Where do you feel disconnected? What do you need more of? What could each of you do differently to stop hurting one another and begin restoring contentment?

Then do something else.

Make a list of the things you really like, admire or absolutely love about your spouse.

You might be amazed at how powerful this simple exercise can be. When a marriage has been struggling for a while, it becomes very easy to notice everything that is wrong and forget everything that is still right.

Sometimes remembering what you value in each other is the beginning of finding your way back.

3. Change Something

Finally, talk about the practical ways both of you can improve your marriage.

If you come up with a long list, don’t try to tackle everything at once. Choose one or two things and start there.

Maybe you need 20 minutes together at the end of the day without phones. Maybe one spouse needs more help around the house. Maybe you need a regular date night. Maybe you need to change the way you talk about money. Or maybe one of you simply needs to become more intentional about showing affection and appreciation.

Agree on what you’re going to work on, give yourselves a week or two to practice it, and then sit down again.

Ask each other: Is this helping? Do you feel a difference? What should we keep doing? What needs to change?

That conversation alone can begin to shift a marriage, because instead of quietly living with your dissatisfaction, you are finally facing it together.

Don’t Settle for a Marriage You Simply Endure

Every marriage goes through seasons when contentment comes more easily than others. Stress, children, work, finances, health problems and the ordinary pressures of life can all take a toll.

But dissatisfaction doesn’t have to become the permanent condition of your marriage.

Adjust. Adapt. Keep talking. Keep learning about each other. And when something isn’t working, have the courage to address it rather than simply learning to live with it.

Don’t give up. Stay the course.

Marital contentment can be yours again, but sometimes you have to decide together to find a way or make a way.