“A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” —Unknown.

That kind of marriage doesn’t just happen, and it’s not a matter of luck, either.

Falling in love and feeling blissfully happy (most of the time) requires a level of energy and commitment rarely seen in this instant gratification, self-absorbed, me-first age.

Even though a couple may have good chemistry, connection, and compatibility, their relationship requires ongoing servicing and attention to remain healthy and happy. 

Great teams focus on the fundamentals, and any husband and wife who wish to enjoy an outstanding and fulfilling marriage will do the same. 

The Fundamentals of a Healthy Marriage

1. Love.

Love is a feeling and commitment to satisfy your spouse’s needs. Indeed, when you love someone, you enjoy meeting their needs. 

Love has many attributes. It’s patient, kind, forgiving, overlooks wrongs, and doesn’t keep score. It doesn’t compete for supremacy. Nor does it take. Love gives. 

In a healthy marriage, the husband and wife are committed to meeting each other’s emotional, spiritual, mental, and intimate needs. 

Your marriage isn’t healthy if you or your spouse no longer care about meeting each other’s needs or if you care about your needs more than those of your partner.

Of the many reasons couples give for divorce, among the most common is that they drifted apart and fell out of love. 

Love is a fundamental pillar of a healthy marriage.

“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” —Barbara De Angelis.

A healthy couple says I love you and they say it often.

2. Communication.   

“Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice.” – Fawn Weaver.

And that choice begins with communication.

People might be highly intuitive and empathic, but one thing they are not is mind readers. 

Communication requires courage. And welcoming and inviting communication with your partner is essential to a healthy marriage.

In a healthy marriage, the couple will express their hopes, wants, dreams, fears, worries, and needs, not in a whiny, nagging way but in a positive, hopeful way.

How is your partner to know what’s on your mind and heart if you don’t tell them?

If you and your spouse no longer communicate, it might be a sign that you are quiet-quitting your marriage. 

3. Mutual respect.   

Arrogance and superiority don’t exist within a healthy marriage. 

In a healthy relationship, the husband and wife respect each other; they’re equals. They value each other’s opinions and perspectives even when they disagree. 

Respect is mutual.

4. Commonalities.   

Having things in common and sharing similar interests makes for a healthy marriage. 

The most important things for a couple to share in common are values, standards, and beliefs, for these are the building blocks of compatibility.

5. Conflict Resolution. 

Every single relationship has disagreements. But not every couple knows how to express problems in a healthy way or resolve them in a way that ultimately strengthens the relationship. So they avoid issues, sometimes for years. 

Healthy couples don’t stick their heads in the sand. They roll up their sleeves and work through conflict in a positive, productive manner, even seeking marriage counseling when necessary to process their issues.  

How will your partner know something is wrong if you don’t tell them what’s troubling you? “They should just know” isn’t an answer, and it isn’t fair. 

Couples who don’t discuss their marriage problems or work to resolve them will face divorce sooner or later.

6. Grow together.   

Marriage should be the safest place for a husband and wife to be free and grow into their full potential.

People change over the years, hopefully for the better. 

A couple can grow together or grow apart. 

Learning to be flexible and accepting of your spouse as they evolve is vital to having a healthy marriage. 

Few things are worse than feeling unliked and unaccepted by your spouse.

7. Trust.

Trust is the foundation upon which healthy and happy marriages are built and endure. 

Suspicions and assumptions poison a marriage when trust is lacking.

Trust is one of the essential fundamentals of healthy and happy marriage. You can have everything else, but your marriage will fail without trust. 

8. Be friends AND lovers.    

Here are some questions for you: Do you like your spouse? 

Do you enjoy their friendship?

Is your spouse your best friend?

Are they your first thought in the morning and last thought at night?

Do you enjoy touching them intimately and being touched by them?

Does thinking about them make you happy?

“Love is like a friendship caught on fire.” —Bruce Lee.

Your spouse should be the one who satisfies all your emotional and physical needs and be someone you can talk to about everything and anything! 

You should enjoy each other’s company!

If your marriage lacks emotional intimacy and/or physical intimacy (barring any medical issues), you’re headed for divorce, or quiet-quitting the relationship from within.

“The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. You know they’re right if you love to be with them all the time.” —Julia Child.

9. Pitch-in.  

The burden of running and managing a family and household shouldn’t rest solely on one spouse. 

There are two people in every marriage; both must share the responsibilities of earning a living, raising the children, and household chores and responsibilities. 

Neither spouse should expect to be waited on hand and foot. Your spouse is your partner, not hired help.

In healthy, happy marriages, spouses consider each other equals and divide responsibilities fairly. 

10. Be real and transparent with yourself and each other.    

A healthy marriage is one in which spouses can be true to themselves. If you have to pretend to be someone you’re not to keep the peace and have a happy marriage, then your marriage isn’t healthy, and you’re not truly happy. 

If you can’t be your authentic self with your spouse, who can you be yourself with?

A healthy marriage is a safe place where both spouses can relax and feel free to be themselves because they know they’re accepted and belong. 

Final Thoughts

“Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity, yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage.” —Sydney J. Harris.

Barring any clinical or pathological issues, a healthy marriage can be yours, but it isn’t automatic. It takes work. If you feel like your relationship is unraveling, maybe its time to start working on the fundamentals and get your marriage back on track.