Finding the Right Marriage Partner
Finding the right marriage partner is a little easier than you might think. And the process begins with YOU.
There’s a reason why you’re attracted to certain people and why they are attracted to you. Ever notice how women who were abused as children have a higher risk of marrying someone who will abuse them? They carry that risk into their second or third marriages if they don’t work through the issues that cause them to attract, and be attracted to, this type of person in the first place.
Men have the same issues. They may marry a woman who enjoys spending money, shopping, and vacationing in the same way their mother did, or intentionally choose the exact opposite of their mother’s personality.
We attract people for a reason; understanding that reason, and changing ourselves, will lead quickly to finding the right marriage partner who matches our authentic personality, wishes, and desires.
Listen to your inner voice
Let’s say you have a person in mind or are dating someone currently, to whom you’re considering a life long commitment. There are several things you can do to ensure that he or she will make a good partner.
First, consult your heart. Listen to the inner voice that guides all of us. Are you ignoring that voice because you want this person to be the right person? Be honest with yourself; are those nagging doubts lingering in the back of your mind real? Examine them in the light of day and be realistic about them.
No one is perfect, including yourself. Everyone has faults, issues, baggage, and problems. However, good character, strong work ethics, morality, and a previous history of good choices often speaks volumes.
Do your homework
Get advice from a trusted source about this person. If they don’t think it’s a good match, ask them why and consider their reasons.Infatuation makes you blind to the small things that suggest this person isn’t a good match.
Consider taking a few premarital counseling sessions. We think nothing of an annual physical examination for our body, but the mind, which can cause infinite damage to yourself and others, is often left unattended.
Premarital counseling isn’t meant to keep two people apart but rather to help them make certain decisions and changes BEFORE marriage that could prevent a divorce after marriage. After all, it’s better to part ways before marrying before the relationship becomes permanent.
The old expression that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree is very true. Children often use the same expressions, have the same faults, the same virtues, and the same issues as their parents. Although humans have free choice, we don’t often intentionally exercise it. We can choose to do things differently than our parents, but it takes a person with strong internal forces and character to recognize the issues and make those changes.
Meet the parents
Look closely at the father, mother, and siblings. If you don’t like what you see in the parents, you won’t appreciate your spouse as they grow older because it’s likely they’ll become like them.
It might be difficult to end the relationship, but if you wait until later, you could be deeply affecting the lives of children and your own.
Speak to each other clearly about expectations. Include things that you might take for granted, but that can easily become issues as the marriage progresses.
Important issues to consider are whether you’ll have children, who is responsible for housework or home repairs, what about birth control, religion, what church the kids will attend, if both parents will work, relationships with both families, and the more mundane items like cooking, cleaning and gardening.
You might feel now that keeping the house and garden is fine because you do it yourself already. After all, you live alone and keep your apartment clean, pay the bills, manage investments, and take care of the car. However, when another person enters the picture, and possibly children, the whole dynamic changes.
Watch how your potential partner interacts with others, friends, relatives, and even strangers for clues as to any discrepancies between what they say and do. For instance, if your potential partner says that they love children but avoid them at all costs when they’re in the room, it’s a clue that they might just be saying what they think you want to hear.
Take all the time you need before you get married. Marriage lasts a lifetime. Even if you’re divorced before entering another marriage, it’s likely you’ll have continued interactions with your former partner, which can affect things. So a good rule of thumb is dating for at least year is the best option.
Also, observe this person as they react to stressful situations as well as happy ones. Evaluate your relationship once the emotional infatuation stage diminishes to determine if this is the one.
Don’t be pressured into talking about marriage, and don’t pressure your potential partner.
It’s possible that one partner might be ready for marriage before the other. If the potential partner isn’t ready to act, but you are, this might be a signal to move on. Pressuring another person into marriage only ends in discord and potentially divorce.
Anger and other issues
How do they handle anger? Do they take responsibility for things that go wrong? Are they physically or verbally abusive? Do they take responsibility for their anger and ask for forgiveness?
How do they behave during a crisis and feel about money? Are they charitable towards others? Have they been sexually promiscuous in the past? Have they been tested for sexually transmitted diseases? Is their financial situation stable?
Finding the right marriage partner starts with you and your character and moves on from there. If you aren’t satisfied with who you are, you’ll never be satisfied or completed by another person. Take time to work through these issues because marriage isn’t a magical solution that guarantees you’ll feel complete and happy for the rest of your life.