Secrets To A Happy Marriage Part 10: Fall Asleep Angry, Wake-up Divorced (Not Really – The Title Just Makes Me Laugh)
Yes, I Know It’s A Cliche…But It’s True
We’ve heard it over and over again – never go to bed when you are angry!
Yes it’s cliche, but just because it’s a cliche doesn’t mean it’s not true.
One of the secrets for a happy marriage – to living happily ever after – is not allowing anger to simmer, smolder or fester; deal with it quickly and productively.
Every marriage has conflict, arguments, fights and tension because two imperfect people are striving to live as one.
Just because a husband and wife don’t raise their voices doesn’t mean that they’re marriage is conflict-free.
So, in order to have a happy marriage, it’s important to have realistic expectations about conflict.
Remember, the size of the fight isn’t as important as is the strength of your love. Your sacred promise to love each, no matter what, for the rest of your lives will power you through anger and conflict.
Tips For Not Losing Your Heart When You’re Losing Your Mind
Conflict can either drive you apart or pull you together. You decide.
Here are a few helpful tips:
Don’t even begin to pretend that you’re never mad, frustrated or annoyed with each other. You’re going to fight – so fight!
BUT, decide to have a healthy fight not a harmful one.
Here are the qualities of a healthy fight:
- You share everything that’s bothering you – put all your cards on the table.
- Respect gender differences:
Men withdraw, which women see as being insensitive and uncaring.
And women are driven to engage in conversation. Men see this as provocation.
Understand it for what it is: The man IS NOT trying to be unloving, NOR is the woman trying to be mean or disrespectful. Just be aware that each gender is wired differently.
SO, it might be helpful if you agreed on a cooling off period, after which you promise to discuss the issue when calmer hearts and minds will prevail.
Fight when you need to fight but realize that men will need to withdraw because a fight sends them into warrior mode; and also realize that women will need to discuss it – so avoidance is NOT an option.
This tip alone should improve your results with conflict resolution.
- Let the intensity of the storm pass so you can deal with the situation with reasonable minds and calm hearts
- Listen to each other with love and respect
- Make sure you understand what each other is trying to say
- Try to identify the underlying reason for the conflict
- Negotiate an agreement
- And then make up (this should be the fun part)
2) Let It Go
Give each other a fresh start – and don’t bring the matter up again.
If you listened to each other with love and respect, really understood each other, identified the underlying cause and negotiated an agreement for resolving the conflict, then there is no need to bring the matter up again.
3) Apply This New Rule
A lot of pain could be avoided if we gave our spouse the benefit of the doubt.
How do we do this?
By simply saying to them, “I know that you would never do anything to intentionally harm me, but I felt hurt by what you said or did.”
Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, which will make him or her less defensive, which means they will be less likely to go on the offensive against you.
4. Newsflash! You’re Not Always Right!
Take responsibility for when you’re wrong, which will be more often than you care to admit.
You can be right or you can be happy.
Say you’re sorry and mean it, and then move on.
Following these tips will help pull you and your spouse together when you fight. Do everything you can to deal with conflict in a timely and effective manner. For when you do, you will be on the pathway from being mad at each other to being madly in love with each living happily ever after.