What You Need to Know and Do About Extramarital Affairs

Did you know that about 80% of all marriages will at one point or another suffer the effects of an extramarital affair?

Believe it or not, statistically four out of ten wives, and six out of ten husbands will be unfaithful to their spouse.

Cheating spouses leave tell tale signs.

When someone is having an affair, there are noticeable changes in his or her habits, behavior, focus and productivity. Most of the time, a cheating spouse will seem detached from his or her partner. You might sense something isn’t right but unable to put your finger on it.

The best thing to do when you notice any sudden character change in your spouse is to confront him or her with what it is that you think you are observing.

Don’t outright accuse them of cheating because maybe they aren’t having an affair and doing so only makes them defensive.

Most of the time, cheating spouses keep their indiscretions very secret, obviously, and don’t come clean until caught.

As the “victim” of an affair,  it’s only natural to feel angry, hurt and embarrassed about the affair. You may also feel as if you failed your cheating spouse in some way or another.

There are several types of affairs. And they are caused by different reasons. Here is a list of five main types of Affairs:

1. Affairs that result from a lack of intimacy in marriage.

2. Affairs that result from past sexual confusion and trauma.

3. Revenge affairs. Some people have an affair just because their partner did or didn’t do something. For example, a victim of infidelity may feel inclined to cheat on his or her spouse just to teach them a lesson.

4. Affairs that result from rage and anger.

5. Affairs to affirm personal desirability. In such cases, one spouse may choose to have a brief affair to reaffirm that he or she is still attractive to the opposite sex.

Whether or not the marriage will survive the affair depends on the nature of the affair. For some couples, an affair may enable them to clearly see the underlying problems in their marriage. While to other couples, an affair is a death sentence to the relationship.

One of the most difficult issues to deal with in the wake of an affair is the erosion of trust. It takes time for the cheating husband or wife to regain the trust of their mate again because the wounds are so deep.

But what can the cheating spouse do to make things better and try to save the relationship after the affair?

Here are ten things you can do to initiate the healing process after an affair:

1. Vent. During this time, allow your partner and yourself to vent without censor.

Sometimes you will say mean and hurtful things that perhaps shouldn’t be said. But remember that it is important to get these things off your chest while the opportunity lasts.

2. It’s important after an affair, to remind yourself and your partner that it will get better. It’s helpful to hear that the problem won’t last forever.

3. Validate yourself and your partner; let him or her know that they are okay. You can do this by nodding in acceptance when they talk about their pain and confusion.

4. Ask your partner what they learned from the affair — what he or she is doing to protect and care for themselves so it doesn’t happen again.

5. Space. You and your partner may need to give each other a little elbow room during this difficult time. So be patient with them as they figure things out and stumble their way through the healing process with you.

6. Once you have heard and validated your spouse, you may begin identifying new options and courses of action that they can take. Recommend books and other useful resources to your partner.

7. Remember to ask your spouse how it’s going every once in a while. This gives them a chance to open up to you and share exactly how they are feeling and what they’re going through.

8. Make an effort to understand how your spouse feels and what he or she desires.  As you may expect, there will be gray areas about how they are feeling and what they want.

9. Be consistent. As earlier mentioned, infidelity in a marriage destroys trust. If you want your partner to trust you again, be consistent in what you say and do.  If you are going to be unavailable at a particular time, let them know. Full transparency is essential.

10. Forgive. Forgiveness is a healing process that takes time. But to have any degree of success at saving the marriage and restoring your relationship from the fallout of the affair, you must offer and receive forgiveness; it’s essential to a new beginning.

Affairs affect the lives of those involved socially, emotionally, physically and financially. There’s a spiritual impact, too. However, if the affair has already happened you can use the opportunity to start over and begin building a marriage relationship that is filled with trust, happiness and intimacy.