Let’s talk about sex.

I know. Some of you just got uncomfortable. But physical intimacy is an important part of marriage, and sometimes the problem isn’t that couples don’t love each other or aren’t attracted to each other.

They’re just tired.

There are jobs to do, bills to pay, kids to raise, aging parents to worry about, laundry that apparently reproduces when nobody is looking and phones that never stop demanding attention. Then somewhere around 10:47 at night, two exhausted people climb into bed and wonder what happened to their sex life.

Sound familiar?

Waiting for the Mood?

For some reason, we tend to believe that really good sex should just…happen.

Nobody plans anything. Nobody talks about it. The mood simply strikes at precisely the same moment, both spouses have plenty of energy, nobody has an early meeting tomorrow and absolutely nothing needs to be taken out of the dryer.

Very romantic. Also, occasionally unrealistic.

Researchers have actually studied this. In one study, people generally believed spontaneous sex would be more satisfying than planned sex. But when researchers followed couples’ actual sexual experiences over a three-week period, spontaneous sex wasn’t associated with greater sexual satisfaction than planned sex.

In other words, we may be a little too attached to the idea of spontaneity.

Remember When You Were Dating?

Think about this for a minute. When you were dating, you planned to see each other. You made reservations. You bought tickets. You drove across town. You rearranged your schedule.

You somehow found three hours to sit in a restaurant and talk about absolutely nothing.

Then you got married and decided romance should happen spontaneously after you’ve answered 14 emails, loaded the dishwasher and watched half an episode of something neither of you particularly likes.

How’s that working for you?

Planning time for physical intimacy doesn’t necessarily make it less romantic. Sometimes planning simply says, “This part of our marriage matters enough to protect some time for it.”

But Please Don’t Put “SEX” on the Family Calendar

Let’s clarify something. When I say plan for intimacy, I’m not necessarily suggesting you send your spouse a calendar invitation for Tuesday at 8:15 p.m.

Although if that works for you, I’m staying out of it.

Planning can simply mean protecting time when the two of you aren’t exhausted, distracted or rushing somewhere else. Maybe that’s a date night. Maybe it’s Saturday morning. Maybe it’s going to bed earlier instead of scrolling through your phones for another hour.

The point isn’t the schedule. The point is intentionality.

If physical intimacy matters to your marriage, make room for it to happen rather than continually giving it whatever time and energy are left over.

Talk About What You Actually Need

Of course, protecting time together won’t solve everything. One of the best things couples can do for their physical relationship is also one of the things many couples find incredibly difficult:

Talk about it.

What does physical intimacy mean to you emotionally? What helps you feel close? What makes it difficult for you to be interested in sex? Do you need more affection outside the bedroom? More rest? More emotional connection? More privacy? More time?

And here’s an important one: Do you and your spouse have different expectations about how often you’d like to have sex?

Don’t approach the conversation as a negotiation where somebody wins. Be curious about each other.

Research on sexual responsiveness suggests that couples tend to report greater sexual and relationship satisfaction when partners care about and respond to each other’s sexual needs. But there’s an important distinction: caring about your spouse’s needs is healthy; ignoring your own needs in the process isn’t.

Physical intimacy works best when there is mutual care.

Intimacy Isn’t an Obligation

This is also where I want to be very clear. Planning time for physical intimacy doesn’t mean either spouse owes the other sex because it’s Tuesday night and apparently there was an appointment.

Love doesn’t force or coerce.

Sometimes your spouse isn’t in the mood. Sometimes they’re exhausted. Sometimes physical or emotional issues make sex difficult. Being sensitive to your spouse’s needs also means being sensitive when your spouse needs not to have sex.

So if the plan changes, the plan changes.

You’re married to a person, not a calendar.

Don’t Wait for Marriage to Run Itself

Here’s the bigger point: good marriages rarely happen accidentally.

We make time to talk. We make time to have fun. We make time for vacations and anniversaries and things that keep us connected. Why should physical intimacy be the one part of marriage we’re embarrassed to be intentional about?

God created sex as something good within marriage. It isn’t something dirty or embarrassing that married couples should avoid discussing. It’s one of the ways husbands and wives can experience pleasure, closeness, affection and connection with each other.

So talk about it. Make room for it. Laugh when things don’t go according to plan. And don’t assume romance has disappeared simply because sometimes you have to be intentional about creating the opportunity for it.

Sometimes the most romantic thing you can do is make sure the person you love doesn’t continually get whatever time and energy are left over.