Okay. We’re going to talk about something we don’t talk about very often:

Can you save a marriage that has already entered the divorce process?

Maybe one of you has said, “I want a divorce.” Maybe you’ve separated, talked with attorneys or divorce papers have already been filed. And now, somewhere in the middle of all of this, you’re wondering: Is it too late to stop this?

Not necessarily.

I’ve seen marriages come back from some pretty desperate places. But if you’re considering trying to save your marriage, there are a few things you need to think about honestly.

Start With Two Questions

For starters, here are two questions you need to answer:

1. How far along are you in the divorce process?
2. How does your spouse feel about stopping the divorce and working on the marriage?

That second question matters enormously. You can make changes in yourself. You can extend an invitation to your spouse. You can seek counseling and do everything within your power to create an opportunity for reconciliation.

But you cannot force someone else to reconcile. Marriage requires two people.

If Divorce Papers Haven’t Been Filed

If you haven’t filed divorce papers, then obviously the simplest option is to agree not to file right now. You don’t have to decide today that you’ll remain married forever. You’re simply deciding not to make a permanent decision while you’re still trying to determine whether the marriage can be repaired.

If your spouse is willing, use that time wisely. Don’t spend the next three months having the same arguments you’ve been having for the last three years.

Get some help. Find a qualified marriage counselor who understands that your goal is to explore whether the relationship can be healed and who will help both of you take an honest look at how you arrived here.

And then do the work.

If Divorce Papers Have Already Been Filed

If divorce proceedings have already begun, the situation is obviously more complicated. But the filing of paperwork does not necessarily mean that every emotional decision has been made.

Sometimes people begin divorce proceedings while they are hurt, angry, exhausted or convinced that nothing will ever change. And occasionally, somewhere during that process, one or both spouses begin to wonder whether ending the marriage is really what they want.

If that happens, don’t ignore it. Talk about it. Ask your spouse whether they would be willing to slow things down long enough to explore reconciliation. And if the answer is yes, seek professional help quickly.

Please understand that I am not an attorney, and nothing in this article should be considered legal advice. Divorce laws and procedures vary, so if legal proceedings have begun, talk with a qualified attorney about your options and the consequences of delaying, pausing or changing course.

Don’t Confuse Stopping the Divorce With Saving the Marriage

This may be the most important thing I can tell you.

You might be able to put paperwork on hold. But that doesn’t heal resentment, rebuild trust or change destructive patterns. And it doesn’t automatically restore the friendship and intimacy that may have disappeared long before anyone used the word divorce.

Stopping the divorce and saving the marriage are not the same thing.

If you want to save your marriage, the goal cannot simply be, How do I keep my spouse from leaving?

The better question is: What would have to change for this to become a marriage both of us would want to stay in?

That’s a much harder question. But it’s also a much more hopeful one.

Listen Before You Start Making Promises

When someone is afraid of losing their marriage, it’s tempting to promise everything.

“I’ll change.” “I’ll be different.” “I’ll never do that again.” “Just give me another chance.”

But if your spouse has heard those promises before, more promises probably aren’t what they need.

Listen instead.

Ask your spouse what brought them to this point, and try to hear the answer without immediately defending yourself. There will be time to tell your side. Right now, you need to understand theirs.

What has hurt them? What have they stopped hoping for? What would need to change before they could even consider trying again?

You may not agree with everything you hear. But understanding your spouse’s experience is different from agreeing with every detail of it. And sometimes being truly heard is the first crack of light in a relationship that has become very dark.

What If Your Spouse Doesn’t Want to Try?

This is the painful part.

Your spouse may not want to continue living with you while you try to work things out. They may insist on separation. They may refuse counseling. They may simply be done.

If that’s where you are, don’t try to pressure, manipulate or frighten your spouse into staying. You can tell them clearly that you love them and would like to work on the marriage. You can ask whether they’re willing to give counseling a chance.

And then you have to respect their answer.

That doesn’t mean you give up on yourself. Get counseling on your own. Take an honest look at your contribution to the problems in the marriage. Work on the things that need to change whether your spouse comes back or not.

Take the Decision Seriously

This is your life and your marriage. And if you have children, the decisions you make will affect their lives as well.

So if there is still uncertainty, and both of you are willing, I believe it’s worth taking the time to ask one more time:

Is there anything here worth saving?

Don’t use that time simply to postpone the inevitable. Use it to tell the truth, get help, listen differently and own what needs to be owned. See whether trust can begin to grow again.

Sometimes the answer will still be divorce.

But sometimes it won’t.

I’ve seen marriages heal that looked as though they had reached the end. So if both of you are willing to try, don’t assume it’s too late simply because the word divorce has already been spoken or the process has already begun.

Before making a permanent decision, make sure you’ve given yourselves the opportunity to find out whether your marriage can become something worth choosing again.