Let’s talk about men and women.

I realize I’m stepping into dangerous territory here.

For years, we’ve been told that men and women communicate differently, think differently, handle emotions differently and occasionally appear to have been raised on entirely different planets.

And if you’ve been married very long, you’ve probably had at least one moment when you thought, That would explain a lot.

Maybe she wants to talk about something right now, while he would prefer to think about it quietly for the next three to five business days.

Or maybe he tells her about a problem because he wants a solution, while she thinks, I wasn’t asking you to fix it. I just wanted you to listen.

Sound familiar?

But before we start assigning everybody to Team Male and Team Female, the research gives us an important reality check.

We’re More Alike Than We Think

Psychologist Janet Shibley Hyde reviewed 46 meta-analyses on psychological differences between males and females and came to a conclusion that might surprise you: on most psychological variables, men and women are considerably more alike than different.

Researchers call this the gender similarities hypothesis.

That doesn’t mean there are no differences between men and women. Of course there are. But it does mean we should be careful about turning tendencies into rules.

Not every woman wants to talk about her feelings for 45 minutes.

Not every man communicates primarily through grunts.

And contrary to what you may have heard, your husband does not possess a biological inability to locate the laundry basket.

Probably.

The danger of stereotypes is that they give us an easy explanation for behavior we should probably be discussing.

“She’s a woman. That’s just how women are.”

“He’s a man. What do you expect?”

Those statements might get a laugh, but they don’t do much to help a marriage.

Your spouse isn’t simply a representative of a gender. Your spouse is a person.

And learning that person is one of the great adventures of marriage.

But Some Patterns Do Show Up

Here’s where things get interesting.

Researchers studying conflict between couples have repeatedly observed something called the demand-withdraw pattern.

One spouse wants to discuss a problem, pushes for a conversation or asks for change. The other spouse becomes defensive, avoids the conversation, shuts down or withdraws.

In heterosexual marriages, researchers have often observed wives in the demanding role and husbands in the withdrawing role.

I can hear somebody saying, “Mike, we didn’t need researchers for that. We could have saved them a lot of money.”

But hang on.

When researchers looked more closely, they discovered something important.

The pattern isn’t necessarily as simple as “women pursue and men withdraw.” Studies have found that the person who most wants something to change is more likely to pursue the discussion, while the person who prefers the status quo is more likely to withdraw.

In other words, sometimes what looks like a gender difference is actually a difference in what each person wants from the conversation.

That matters.

Because instead of saying, “You always do this because you’re a man,” you can begin asking a much more useful question:

What is happening between us right now?

Your Differences Aren’t the Problem

Every marriage contains differences.

One of you may process emotions quickly. The other needs time.

One wants to talk. The other needs to think first.

One likes a detailed plan for the weekend. The other believes Saturday morning is plenty of notice for Saturday afternoon.

One of you might consider an empty dishwasher a household emergency.

The other has apparently developed the ability to walk past it without seeing it.

These differences can certainly create irritation. But differences themselves don’t destroy marriages.

The trouble begins when we stop being curious about our differences and start judging them.

“I want to talk about this” becomes “You never leave me alone.”

“I need some time to think” becomes “You don’t care about me.”

“I need more affection” becomes “You’re too needy.”

“I need some space” becomes “You’re emotionally unavailable.”

Notice what happened?

We stopped describing our experience and started defining our spouse.

That’s when a difference becomes a fight.

Learn the Person You Married

One of the best things you can do for your marriage is stop assuming you already know why your spouse does what they do.

Ask.

If your spouse goes quiet during conflict, don’t immediately assume they don’t care. Ask what is happening inside them.

If your spouse keeps bringing up an issue, don’t immediately assume they’re nagging. Ask why the issue feels so important.

Try questions like:

“When we disagree, what do I do that makes it harder for you to talk to me?”

“Do you like to talk things through immediately, or do you need some time first?”

“When you’re upset, do you want me to help solve the problem or mostly listen?”

“What helps you feel understood by me?”

You might be surprised by the answers.

And after years of marriage, you might even discover something new about the person sleeping next to you.

Don’t Marry the Stereotype

Gender can influence how we experience relationships. So can personality, family background, culture, temperament, attachment, past experiences and about a hundred other things.

So enjoy the differences. Laugh about some of them.

Marriage would be pretty boring if your spouse were simply another version of you.

But don’t let stereotypes become an excuse to stop learning about each other.

Your goal isn’t to understand “men.”

Your goal isn’t to understand “women.”

Your goal is to understand the person you married.

And after all these years, you may discover there is still quite a bit left to learn.