Sometimes two people can love each other deeply and still find that physical intimacy is difficult.

And neither one understands why.

Maybe a touch that was intended to communicate affection causes one spouse to tense up. Maybe sexual intimacy brings anxiety instead of pleasure. Or one spouse avoids initiating because they’re afraid of triggering something, while the other feels guilty because they can’t simply “get over” something that happened years ago.

If past sexual trauma is part of your story, I want you to know something:

Difficulty with intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with your marriage. Sometimes the problem didn’t begin in your marriage at all.

The Past Can Show Up in the Present

Sexual trauma can affect people in very different ways. There isn’t one predictable response.

But research has found that past sexual trauma can continue to affect adult romantic relationships. And research specifically involving childhood sexual abuse has found lasting difficulties around physical touch and intimacy.

That’s important for both spouses to understand.

A person can know intellectually, My husband loves me. My wife is safe. This is nothing like what happened before, and still experience a reaction they didn’t choose or expect.

Recent research involving couples found that people with greater histories of childhood sexual abuse anticipated more distress and avoidance around sexual touch from a romantic partner. Interestingly, affectionate touch was associated with less anticipated avoidance.

In other words, the body sometimes remembers things we’d rather forget.

Your Spouse Isn’t Necessarily Rejecting You

If you’re the other spouse, this can be difficult to understand. You reach for the person you love, and they pull away. You initiate sex, and suddenly something changes.

After enough experiences like that, it’s easy to start wondering: Doesn’t my spouse want me? Am I doing something wrong? Why doesn’t my love make this better?

Try not to turn your spouse’s response into a verdict on you or your marriage.

Their response may have very little to do with attraction to you. Something about that moment simply may not feel safe.

That doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter. They do. But understanding what may be happening can help both of you stop seeing each other as the problem.

Safety Comes Before Performance

When couples struggle sexually, it’s tempting to focus on getting their sex life “back to normal.”

I would encourage you to make the goal something different:

Make intimacy safe.

That means no is safe, and so is changing your mind. You should be able to talk honestly about what feels comfortable and what doesn’t. Affection doesn’t always have to lead to sex, and neither spouse should ever have to participate sexually to prove love for the other.

Love doesn’t force or coerce. Healthy physical intimacy is built on mutual trust and freedom.

Sometimes rebuilding that sense of safety begins outside the bedroom. Holding hands. Sitting close. A hug. A kiss. Affection that doesn’t come with an expectation of what must happen next.

You’re learning to trust each other with touch.

Give yourselves permission to go slowly.

If You’re the Partner, Don’t Try to Fix It

When you love someone who has been hurt, your instinct may be to fix the hurt.

You can’t. And that’s okay.

You don’t have to become your spouse’s therapist. You can be something else that’s tremendously important: a safe spouse.

Listen when your spouse wants to talk. Believe what they tell you about their experience. Ask what helps them feel safe instead of assuming you know, and respect boundaries without treating them as rejection.

Sometimes the most healing message you can communicate is simply, I’m here. I love you. We don’t have to rush.

If You’re the One Carrying the Trauma

Please don’t assume you are somehow failing your spouse because intimacy is complicated for you.

What happened to you was not something you chose. But healing can involve beginning to discover what you can choose now.

You can begin telling your spouse what feels safe and what doesn’t. Together, you can explore affection and intimacy at a pace that allows trust to grow rather than forcing yourself through an experience simply because you think that’s what a husband or wife is supposed to do.

And you don’t have to figure all of this out alone.

A qualified therapist with experience in trauma can help you better understand your responses and find a way forward. Couple therapy may also be helpful when both spouses need help understanding how the past is affecting the marriage today.

Getting help isn’t an admission that your marriage is broken. Sometimes it’s an investment in a marriage you very much want to protect.

Healing Doesn’t Mean Forgetting

I wish healing meant we could erase painful experiences from our lives.

It doesn’t.

Healing doesn’t necessarily mean reaching a point where you’re never affected by what happened again. It can mean learning, together, what helps you feel safe and connected enough to experience intimacy differently than you did before.

And there is reason for hope.

Research involving survivors and their partners suggests that the way a partner responds matters. Being heard, understood and cared for can make a meaningful difference in the relationship.

Your spouse cannot undo what happened to you.

But together, you can decide what happens between you now.

Your past may explain some of what happens in your marriage today. It doesn’t have to write the rest of your marriage for you.

Intimacy can become a place where there is choice instead of fear, tenderness instead of pressure, and trust instead of uncertainty.

And sometimes healing begins with something as simple as knowing the person beside you is safe.