Blaming and shaming your spouse damages your marriage. 

Some spouses blame their partners for everything; it’s an ugly, harmful habit.

Deepak Chopra made this insightful comment: “When you blame or criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself.” 

Stop Blaming

It’s easy to see someone’s faults but be blind to our own. 

We all have flaws and scars and carry fear and pain, making us defend ourselves and push people away.

Sometimes, the closer we get to someone, old feelings and memories trigger us to become more defensive to protect ourselves, making it easy to blame our spouse or justify our behavior. 

If you want a happy marriage that thrives and endures, figure out your triggers to avoid blaming and shaming your spouse or excusing your behavior. 

Instead of focusing on your partner’s flaws and blaming them, why not look at your limitations first? As Deepak Chopra said, what truth are you avoiding about yourself?

Stop Being A Prosecutor

Sometimes a spouse acts like a lawyer and builds a case against their partner when they do something wrong. 

They’ll collect all kinds of evidence to make their case. Accidentally burning dinner can lead to a full-blown case against their partner not learning how to cook because they really don’t care about them, citing all incidences of similar situations. 

Case building is a big issue in marriage. It’s a bad habit that harms the relationship and kills intimacy.

Just Drop It Already

When a couple is accusing and blaming, and things are out of control, resolving the conflict is tough. 

There are no winners in these situations. Someone might win the battle, but the war is lost.

It might be hard, but keep the outcome in mind. What do you want?

If your goal is to enjoy peace and be close to your spouse, it might be a good idea to drop it, let go of the past and put your guard down; be kind and loving to each other. Give each other the gift of grace and compassion.

Imagine the kind of marriage you could have if you and your spouse agreed to mutual unilateral disarmament. It might just be the thing to get you back to that loving place where peaceful feelings flow easily between you.

Cool Down

Relationships are a hidden minefield of triggers.

Something is said or done that unexpectedly throws you into your traumatic past, triggering fierce feelings of fight or flight.

You’re doing great, but somewhere out of the blue, something sets you off, especially when your defenses are on high alert.

When triggered, pause and step back to give yourself an emotional cushion to focus rationally on the situation instead of reacting. Give yourself time to analyze what’s happening to determine if a situation is repeating itself or if ghosts from the past are haunting you. 

Don’t add fuel to the fire; calm down – give yourself a chance to determine if a fire even exists.

Managing and avoiding conflict is easier when you’re calm. Cool off before engaging your partner. Better yet, don’t give yourself a chance to heat up in the first place.

Communicate Your Feelings

Explain your feelings after the situation has calmed down and your spouse has expressed their thoughts. 

Share your perspective without placing blame. 

Avoid making generalizations or acting like a victim unless you want things to go from bad to worse.

“You can’t lift a relationship up if you keep walking over the other person’s mistakes.” ― Anthony Liccio

Your marriage will be much more passionate and satisfying when you lose the blaming and shaming. You don’t have to fight or be right whenever you and your spouse disagree; save it for the significant issues. 

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