Parenting is demanding.

But when you’re raising a child with special needs, parenting can become something closer to a full-time team sport.

There may be doctors and therapists, school meetings, insurance battles, medications, behavior challenges and schedules that would make an air traffic controller nervous. And somewhere in the middle of all that, there are still groceries to buy, bills to pay and probably a load of laundry that’s been sitting in the dryer since Tuesday.

You love your child. You’d do anything for them.

But here’s something I want you to remember:

Don’t lose each other while you’re taking care of someone you both love.

The Stress Is Real

Research confirms what many parents already know. Raising a child with a disability can bring significant and ongoing parenting stress, and that stress can spill over into the couple relationship.

That doesn’t mean having a child with special needs is destined to hurt your marriage. Far from it.

But it does mean your marriage may need some intentional care.

When most of your conversations become about appointments, medications, school, behavior, money or who’s handling what tomorrow, it’s surprisingly easy to become excellent co-managers of a household while gradually losing touch as husband and wife.

You may still be a great team.

Just make sure you’re still a couple.

Remember: You’re on the Same Side

Stress has a funny way of convincing us that the person closest to us is the problem.

One parent thinks, Why am I carrying so much of this?

The other thinks, Nothing I do is ever enough.

One wants to research every possible treatment or intervention. The other wants to slow down and take things one day at a time. One worries out loud. The other gets quiet.

Before long, you’re fighting each other when the real problem is that both of you are exhausted and scared.

Research on couples raising children with disabilities has found that the way partners cope together matters. When spouses feel supported by one another and approach stress as something they’re facing together, their relationship tends to fare better.

So every now and then, say it out loud:

We’re on the same side.

It sounds simple. But on the hard days, you may both need the reminder.

Don’t Keep Score

This can be a tough one.

In many families, the caregiving load isn’t divided equally. Sometimes it can’t be.

One parent may handle more appointments. The other may work longer hours because somebody has to pay for everything. One may know every medication, therapist and teacher by name while the other is carrying responsibilities that aren’t nearly as visible.

That’s fertile ground for resentment.

Instead of keeping score, talk honestly about the load.

Ask your spouse, What’s wearing you out right now?

Then listen to the answer.

Not so you can prove you’re more tired.

Not so you can explain why your responsibilities are harder.

Just listen.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your spouse is notice what they’re carrying before they have to beg you to notice.

Talk About Something Besides Your Child

I know this can feel almost impossible.

Your child needs you. And depending on their needs, finding reliable care may be difficult. Even when you finally get an hour alone together, you may discover you’ve forgotten how to talk about anything else.

Start small.

Have coffee together. Take a walk. Sit on the porch after the house gets quiet. Watch something that makes you laugh.

And try, occasionally, to have a conversation in which your child is not the primary subject.

Remember the person you married.

What are they thinking about? What are they enjoying? What are they afraid of? What are they dreaming about?

You were a couple before you became this particular caregiving team.

That relationship still deserves a place in your family.

Give Each Other Permission to Feel Differently

You and your spouse may not experience your child’s needs in the same way.

That’s okay.

One of you may be grieving something the other has already accepted. One may remain hopeful about a particular treatment while the other is becoming more realistic about its limitations. You may worry about completely different things when you think about your child’s future.

Different doesn’t necessarily mean wrong.

Don’t require your spouse to feel exactly what you feel on exactly the same timetable.

Instead, become a safe place for each other to tell the truth.

I’m tired.

I’m worried.

I’m angry.

I don’t know what we’re going to do.

You don’t always need an answer.

Sometimes you just need your spouse beside you.

Ask for Help Before You’re Desperate

Some couples become so accustomed to managing difficult circumstances that asking for help begins to feel like failure.

It isn’t.

If family or friends can give you a break, let them. If respite care is available, explore it. If your marriage is struggling, don’t wait until you’re barely speaking to each other before seeing a counselor.

Research has found that respite care can reduce stress for parents of children with disabilities, and lower stress is associated with better marital quality.

Getting some help isn’t abandoning your child.

It’s recognizing that the people caring for your child need care too.

Your Marriage Matters to Your Child, Too

When a child has significant needs, it’s natural for those needs to move to the center of family life.

But your marriage isn’t competing with your child for importance.

A strong relationship between Mom and Dad can become one of the sources of stability that helps the entire family weather difficult seasons. Research has even found that greater marital quality among parents of children with developmental disabilities is associated with lower parenting stress and better parental well-being.

So protecting your marriage isn’t selfish.

You’re protecting the team.

There will be seasons when date nights aren’t realistic and romance looks different than it once did. There may be days when simply sitting beside each other for ten quiet minutes feels like an accomplishment.

Take the ten minutes.

Keep talking. Keep noticing each other. Keep finding little ways to say, I’m still here, and we’re still us.

Your child needs your love.

And the two people doing all that loving need each other, too.